A Villain to Some

 

It struck me today that to some people I am a villain in their story. To others I am a good guy. To me I am who I am, and seem neither good nor bad. 

Yogi Ram Suratkumar has been quoted saying something similar. Do what you are led in good conscience¹ to do, there are always critics!

When I know I have behaved poorly I apologise and try to make up for any loss. Otherwise, when communication and explanation fail, I must accept the outcome. Integrity, to me, is more important than being liked. 

And so it goes.

I have explored much in life with a curiosity to delve with passion and attentiveness into what many consider sacred and profane. My bio here pretty much covers it. Technology, religion, sexuality, parenthood and more have been a focus at various times. Some have accompanied me along the way. Few remain connected. Integrity is the key.

When it's over it's over! And then I've always found something else to be curious about by staying alert and having patience. 

¹To act or speak in good conscience means to do so based on strong moral or ethical principles, without feeling any guilt or doubt. When you do something "in good conscience," you believe it is genuinely the right thing to do and that you are not compromising your integrity.

AI Dumbing Down

 

Problem solving, such as writing essays or correcting a map, isn’t supposed to be easy, and of course it can be tedious. It isn’t just the production of solutions – it’s the training of endurance by way of sustained attention. 

It’s a way of learning what one thinks by attempting to say it. An AI or LLM can reproduce the appearance of that activity, but it can’t replace it, because the value lies not only in the object produced but in the transformation that occurs in us during its making.

Becoming

 

Sometimes all it takes is a word, a sound, something seen. And a different world opens up. Or the real world that has opened before is once again visited, viscerally.

I was watching an old PBS interview by Bill Moyers, Joseph Campbell and the Power of Myth, when Mr. Campbell spoke the word. Something like, "... and we are Becoming." Suddenly I was floating, second by second, on a cloud-like wave. 

It was another way into the space created by reading the words of Ramana Maharishi, " ... it flashed through me vividly as living truth which I perceived directly, almost without thought process."

If you haven't heard of either man I suggest looking at this amazing discussion by two dedicated minds. I've read many of Joseph Campbell's books and listened to many interviews by Bill Moyers. I met Mr. Moyers when he came to one of my Yoga classes and gushed shamelessly. A big fan, I'm sure I said.

Cultivating this space, this sense of becoming, is the fruit of Self-Enquiry, of seeing the unseen and realizing who we really are.

Freedom From the Past

 

Many things are not easy. Realizing the role self-will plays in continued suffering is high among them. Everything, it seems, is stacked against this insight. From an early age the pressure to be self actuated is intense and unrelenting. I'm not arguing against it. In some of us, perhaps almost all of us, the reliance on ego experiences alone outstrips the benefits.

In other posts I have opened up the positive effects of ego-deflation, surrender, and Self-Enquiry as antidote to the sufferings caused by self-will. Here I attempt to sort out the lingering and recurring effects on those who choose to reverse this trend, especially in relationships. Specifically, the problems associated with unblinking reliance on Forgiveness to cure our emotional and spiritual woes.

Forgiveness is considered to be a powerful tool for reclaiming power, attaining emotional freedom and improving health. Unless there is ego-deflation these methods inevitably lead to protecting self-image, restoring a sense of control and regaining a sense of superiority. In fact, it bolsters up the ego that helped cause the problems in the first place.

So what to do? Over many years I have found that genuine compassion, a spiritual practice as opposed to psycho-therapeutic, is selfless, empathetic and leads to freedom. It is certainly a more difficult undertaking and one which requires vigilance to not resume the inflated ego but rather focuses on the wrongs we have done others.

Referred to as the practice of being hard on ourselves and easy on others, it has not gained a lot of adherents over the years. By its' very practice it minimizes the reliance on self as elevated in relationships and inserts us as co-creaters in misery. Asking what I have done to fuel the unease in relationships requires a different approach, a leveling of the power dynamics usually perceived in uncomfortable relations. It pulls the rug out from under being a victim. Others no long are perceived as having more power.

Personally, I have experienced qualified relief by focusing on forgiveness but have been relieved of all burdens by admitting my role and not expecting anything in return.

The resulting freedom is directly experienced as a miracle. Years of resentment disappear without a trace.

Forgiveness is a state of mind such that the forgiver makes an effort, through prayer or other means, to absolve the other for perceived wrongs. 

Compassion is a state of being in which the separation between forgiver and other has attenuated as a result of seeing the actions of each as contributing to perceived wrongs. 

 

Unity

A friend asked recently

"It is like if I feel the human world and the divine world separated. How to unify them?"

If you want Unity alone 
Why do you accept
The existence of
Anything else

This is the question. A seed question to be meditated on. It focuses the mind's attention on the area of unification in us. I have found that the root of deep nonacceptance of Unity is the over activity of mind which continually creates this and that. 

When the mind is stilled, Unity then is seen through Grace.

It is a question to challenge the mind
Why do I accept the illusions
Why accept the fear
Why accept the depression
When the Self is in me

There are these times on the spiritual journey when we seem alone. It is unpleasant. Sometimes terrifying. Living through these times it always appears that doubts arise when mind, and reliance on discursive, rational thinking, was dominant. However, they tend to lead us into the dense and dark pathways far from the Light. The human world, as you put it, is of the mind and thought. It changes often. Impermanent. 

Finding the essence of who we are is the key to seeing Unity. It comes first followed by thoughts of the world. Staying with inner realization of Self, Unity, is the proper order in life. Unity illuminates the world of this and that.

Mostly we are taught the inverse. This inversion creates the crisis.

Be well and know Grace is everywhere.

The reply says it all! 

It makes me feel really better, peaceful, quiet. I needed your help to cross and get out of the nightmare. I keep your words on my heart to rely on them and meditate on them thank you 🙏

Ascent

 

This will be a difficult topic to discuss. It could just as well have been titled Knots* for it is that complex and difficult to undo. One reason for this difficulty is the elusive nature of the mind. Hmmm, that's the whole nature of it!

I dislike using metaphors and analogies^m but in this case it will make the introduction more palatable. To go straight into the topic will cause a sort of vertigo and some will drop off without getting even a glimpse of what I am trying to say. Take what you can and leave the rest. 

Climbing the mountain of spiritual insight is a long and truly pathless hike. It takes most of us years of dedication and practice to gain any headway up the gentlest slopes. As we reach the summit, the obstacles are many and perilous, as many sages have attested to. The area of ascent I want to focus on is that of 'subject and object are one(SOAO).'

Many years ago, while practicing the varied Vispassana techniques, my direct experience of this was certified by the accomplished practitioner assigned to me+. It's pointless to delve into the realization itself so what interests me here is what happens after such experiences. Subject and object becoming One is a direct experience as there is no separation, no observation, and therefore no thing to talk about. There are no thoughts or concepts and no trophies received or postcards to send home. I did mention it is a long climb up ^e. 

If we are fortunate enough, as I was, we have someone to give a frame of reference for the experience. Many I have talked to just freaked out, backed away from meditation practice or sought mental health advice. Some continued on alone and had psychotic breaks. Over the years I have used all of these tactics. Having a guide is helpful to avoid these blind canyons and avalanches on the ascent. Metaphor again.

As I pointed out there is no thing to talk about and yet almost everyone, filled with the after effects of the experience, feels impelled to do so. Having spent so much time being educated and reinforced in the 'reality' that I am me and you are you, this is this and that is that, the substance of subject and object duality, we revert back to it automatically. Therefore, describing SOAO pulls one back into that which we just experienced, dissolving it, and we objectify the experience. Many also set themselves up as guides, teachers and/or gurus without depth of experience or freedom from the pull of conditioning in the world of subject and object thinking. So in discussing SOAO they perpetuate the duality of subject object perspectives somehow expecting others can have a direct experience of oneness from this constant barrage of this and that. It also keeps the 'teacher' stuck back in the mind state prior to the SOAO experience. 

SOAO is an experiential state of consciousness that is preintellectual, it exists before the development, use, or application of the intellect, logic, or conscious reasoning. If you haven't experienced it the only way to approach it is through conditioned subject/object frames of mind where we, the subject, create names and forms, objects, through projection and identification. This is the 'real world' of material objects. And it is comforting to maintain a grasp on this frame of mind. It validates who I am.

The way someone who has experienced the SOAO state can cultivate a sense of awareness is to loosen up the learned world of form and names. Discovering a persons direct preintellectual experiences, Aha or wow moments we all have, and helping to weave those together is a great tool. Also acknowledging when a person is having a preintellectual moment in our presence also creates an experiential link. Everyone has the look of discovery, eyes wider and happier, when these occur. Reinforcing the value of these is key to pursuing more and more of these moments until the question arises "Why do I want to stray so far from this?!"

^{e   And this is the slippery slope of talking about SOAO leading into ego entanglement.}

^m All metaphors and analogies must collapse into Truth at some point or other if they are useful.

* I suspect the reason for Pope Francis' devotion to Our Lady of Knots has a similar attraction.

+ We have a great aversion to using Guru, Sage or Enlightened One these days. Suffice it to say they knew more than I did at the time.

Dimensions of Reality

 

The years of conversations, disagreements and meetings of the mind have taught me a lot about human interactions. The greatest lesson is to pay attention to what frame each person seems to be speaking from. By this I mean what are the words being used, how are they used and how much energy of what kind is coming across to me. I have no problem at all cutting short an exchange if the indicators start telling me it's getting unreasonable or heated.

It happened the other night when a group was sitting around in a social situation when a man started to mock a nurse for having a scientific view of germs. He called it indoctrination when I pointed out that she was a trained nurse in the medical profession. As he escalated his rant, I said, "I'm not willing to listen to your version of reality," and went to another small group.

What we see and hear so often in America these days is a conflict in our visions of reality. The world as you see it right here, right now, is reality regardless of what scientists say about it. And the world revealed by scientific discovery is also reality, no matter how it may appear. People tend to have a favored dimension of reality and are upset when others intrude on it and challenge their lifestyle.*

There can be two mutually inconsistent realities, one of immediate appearance, ruled by function and feel, and one of underlying scientific explanation, ruled by analytics and research. Of course they don't fit and don't have much of anything to do with one another. Now that's quite a situation!

Now the metaphor of dimensions, seeing ones point of view and even realities are all related to sight. I just had cataract surgery where my right eye lens was replaced giving me 20/15 vision. Pretty darn good I'd say. Well the left eye is 20/30'ish but has the advantage of being able to see small print. Two different ways of seeing things. 

I remember using contact lenses decades ago and came across the strategy of mono vision. Monovision is a vision correction strategy that adjusts one eye for distance and the other for near, reducing reliance on glasses though it may take time for the brain to learn to "balance" between the two images. So far my brain is adapting pretty well and I can see far away and close up. By closing one eye I can really see great in either dimension. Enough of that for now.

Time for another metaphor. One of my favorites is, "The one with the shovel gets to dig the ditch." I used to feel put upon sometimes that I was the one that always got things done at home, at work or just about anywhere. This phrase has helped keep my ego right sized on many occasions and has a place at the center of this situation of mutually exclusive dimensionality. If you can see the difference, that's your shovel. Perfecting the dimension correcting strategy similar to that of Monovision allows the opportunity to interpret what has been irreconcilable differences and at least allow the possibility of reconciling the situation a bit or at least de-escalating it. The brain has to adapt to speak from  and about both worlds coherently.

The ability to see differing dimensions of reality is a strategy and one that requires effort and lots of practice. For me it has been worth it. 

There is, however, a cautionary note for serious consideration. Anyone willing to take up this strategy, practice seeing both dimensions, must exercise extreme care. You may be considered eccentric, then possibly crazy and shunned or possibly institutionalized by court-ordered removal from society. Exercising discretion is key as in the following riddle:

What's the difference between a mystic and a psychotic?

The difference is that the mystic knows who not to talk to! 

 

*Apologies to Robert M. Pirsig

Why?

 

I've been asked, "Why do you meditate?"

When you have experienced Meditation you will know. When dull thought is removed. When the moment flashes through you vividly as living truth. When you perceive directly, almost without thought process. 

At these times I am something real, the only real thing about my present state and all the conscious activity connected with my body is centered on that I. From that moment onwards the 'I' or Self focuses attention on itself with a powerful fascination. 

It is that fascination that draws me to the Source.

 

If you direct your attention outside you may attain much, but that much will not count much in the end. If you are a stranger to yourself, even the whole world will not fulfill you.

Most of us are raised only to focus our attention outward. Even in spiritual and/or religious rituals we are devoting ourselves to an external something. It's no wonder that when we are approached with a challenge to look inwards we are skeptical. If you are anything like me there is a swirl of thoughts, emotions, and desires that exist when attempting to know who we are.

For a very few there is an instantaneous awareness of who they really are. The rest of us come to a vague understanding that there is a possibility that something might exist outside the material world of change, disappointment and pain. But how do we find our way? For me there were a series of people, books and practices. It was time consuming and a process of trial and error until I began to see the benefits of looking inward.

Each of us will find our way if we persevere. Every human being is seeking the source and must one day come to it. We come from Within; we have gone outward and now must return inward to rid ourselves of the feeling “Is that all there is.”

We have covered our true selves over with thoughts and passions. To throw them off we must concentrate. Who is it that goes in and out? Who is it that has thoughts and passions? It is the I that I think I am. Who am I?
This is Self-enquiry; cooperating with the force that attracts us.
The Self is like a powerful magnet hidden within us. It draws us gradually to Itself. When we are near enough, It puts an end to our other activities, makes us still and then swallows up our individual current thus ending our personality. It overwhelms the intellect and floods the whole being. We are like iron filings and It is the Self-magnet that is pulling us inwards. The process of finding Self is a form of divine magnetism. A powerful attraction.

Why Not Act Your Age?

American Baby-Boomers are perhaps the most death-denying generation in human history.We grew up in a post-war boom that probably will never see an equal. It gave us a feeling of superiority, invincibility and immortality. It was, in a sense, a Disneyland idea that life was always going to get better. It just was inconceivable that we would die so we’re trying to lie, cheat and steal our way. Septuagenarian marathons, face fillers and surgery and reinforced denial are some examples. And part of the situation arises with the contempt of younger people and social isolation of the aging.

It's not like that around the world. Traditional Asian cultures, for example, are inclined to venerate the elderly for their decades of acquired insight and wisdom. The U.S., a younger country with an equally young ethos, does not show the same respect. In fact, I have been ignored in social gatherings by my children and a strong message was that I would be taken care of as long as I could "pull my own weight." Can I trust them with my well-being with that attitude when I really decline?

My approach isn't to look for the life everlasting, or confront the bleakness of the universe, or hide from the realities of my body. It is to cultivate the same attitude I have relied on for almost 50 years; Curiosity. In overcoming personal difficulties I sought an inner peace, in physical problems Yoga Insight, and with relationships there were therapists to help investigate. I am convinced that my seeing clearly by looking at what is, not what I or others want, is crucial to a content old age. Damned exciting stuff!

I shun those around me who dispense ready platitudes and bromides about my not being old. Oddly they can be of any age. It seems obvious to me that it is they who are uncomfortable and would like me to not really be me but the forever young version they prefer in front of them. I am what I am. And I can deal with it. Save your well meaning phrases, please.

As I enter my 80th year I'm feeling a pull back from the very physical and active life I've been leading up to this past year. I'm fortunate to have been able to do it all. This year I'm cutting back on exercise, long bicycle touring and late nights. We'll see how driving a car and my motorcycle go this summer. International travel has been getting more difficult. The anxiety and uncertainty of changing visa regulations, international conflicts, airport checks and uncertain foreign exchange markets are big factors in enjoying myself while traveling.

I'll just have to see how things turn out.

Sinner and Beggar

 In the holy city of Tiruvannamali, Tamil Nadu, India, the Yogi Ramsuratkumar Ashram is off the main road in a relatively quiet neighborhood. The practice is simple and elegant, chanting the holy name. 

Even this name belongs to my Father. This Beggar does not exist, only my Father exists everywhere. 

The subtlety here is that Yogi as Beggar, the Manifested self, seems to be saying that in reality only the Divine exists, the Absolute Being. Mumbo Jumbo? Yet how else can one relate to others having experienced ego death? The corporeal self remains and the realized Self speaks through it, if it speaks at all. 

So why bring this up? This realization that I can have a history as a sinner and Beggar and at the same time have the Divine Self accessible is central to my life. Everyone has that Self within that illuminates everything we do and say, even if it is distorted by pain, desire and conditioning. 

There can develop a powerful fascination with this living truth. Over time the sense of I Am That, the Divine Self, becomes as established as the material world we have always seen around us. Simply put, that is Insight. Seeing inwards that which is permanent, the most real thing in our current state of consciousness.

Everything that caused pain, unfulfilled desire and led to our conditioning is seen clearly and begins to slip away. And we will know peace.

What goes on?

 

The tension between Ritual practices and Mystical insight can destroy an organization.

What goes on in spiritual organizations has fascinated me for a long time. Sorting out what attracts people, what is offered and why people are at odds has taken a lot of work. And not everyone is interested in finding out. Mostly because they are content with their individual views and beliefs and not willing to see another perspective. In fact, my experience is most people react by expelling the 'other.' 

Several areas of resistance to seeing clearly are: 

I got mine. Being established in the hierarchy, real or perceived, people refuse to give up their status or perks. 

Comfortable routine 

1. Like hearing my story. Telling others about my experiences becomes of primary importance. Reliving memories replaces community building.

2. Devotion to an elevated founder. My love of the person who taught me elevated me and disagreeing with me is disrespecting them. Personal growth is diminished in the group as a whole. 

Understanding the dynamism of Spiritual organizations,  known as pastoral care*, provides a context for discussion and seeing our prejudices clearly. Of course it takes work and that is part of the spiritual journey. 

The tension between Ritual and Mystical practices will destroy an organization.

*Pastoral care

Pastoral care is a form of holistic support that addresses the spiritual, emotional, and practical needs of individuals, traditionally provided by clergy but now often offered by trained laypersons and professionals in various settings (e.g., hospitals, schools). Its core functions include healing, sustaining, guiding, and reconciling. 

The Role of Ritual

Rituals are formalized sequences of actions, often embodying core values or sacred narratives, that help individuals and communities find orientation, meaning, and connection, especially during times of transition, crisis, or loss of meaning. 

Structure and Meaning: In a modern world often devoid of consistent rituals, these practices (e.g., blessings, anointing, specific prayers, or even non-religious farewell ceremonies) can provide a needed sense of order, stability, and completion during disorienting life events.

Physical Expression of Care: Ritual actions are not just symbolic; they are the physical expression of care itself. The bodily motions of turning toward a suffering person, for instance, are ritualized actions that "restructure in the very doing of the act themselves," making the practitioner a caregiver.

Community and Identity: Participating in rituals reinforces shared community identity and support systems, helping individuals feel less isolated in their struggles. 

The Role of Mysticism 

Mysticism, in the context of pastoral care, refers to the experience of a direct, personal connection with the divine or a profound sense of ultimate reality, often cultivated through contemplative practices like prayer, reflection, and solitude. 

Mystical experiences emphasize an individual's direct, inner experience of the sacred, which can be a powerful source of healing and meaning, particularly when formal religious structures may feel inadequate.

Transformation: The mystical journey is often centered on personal transformation and growth, helping individuals navigate challenges and find a deeper connection with themselves, others, and the divine.

Embracing Mystery: A pastoral approach that values mysticism recognizes that some aspects of life and suffering are mysterious and cannot be fully explained by rational thought. It encourages caregivers to be present in this "fog" with the care-receiver, rather than always providing immediate answers or theological explanations. 

Attachment

There may not exist an area of human thought/feeling that better highlights the disparity between the spiritual and psychological as attachment. At the core seems to be the perception of reality as being permanent or impermanent.

Let's start with the 'western' view. As the following graphic illustrates there are value judgements for each axis of style. 

Individuals with a secure attachment style, the double positive in this scheme, tend to have stable and healthy relationships. "Stable" can mean steady, firm, or not likely to change (e.g., a stable relationship). And so we see this is not a statement based on permanence but probability, as in not likely to change. 

In Buddhism, attachment is considered a primary cause of suffering because it is a form of clinging to impermanent things like people, objects, or ideas. This clinging creates a cycle of desire, disappointment, and distress when circumstances change, which is inevitable. Within this context relationships exist with an awareness of impermanence. Everything is impermanent in this life. No blaming or value judgements.

There is a continuum of sorts here in my view. It is helpful when enmeshed in relationships to see the psychological aspect and degree of suffering one is experiencing. As one moves from enmeshment to attachment to detachment to un-attachment to non-attachment the realization comes. It can lead to the spiritual insight of impermanence and detachment with Love.

It's the journey of my life. And it is worth the effort having worked with therapists through attachment styles and spiritual guides to somewhere approaching detachment with Love or non-attachement. Not everyone has come along for the ride. 

If you follow either set be prepared. Some people are invested in relationships just the way they have always been, pain or no pain. 

Mysticism

 I thought it helpful to remind myself why I fit into the category of mystic. It's a trajectory I've been on most of my life.

Summary

Mysticism: is the practice of pursuing spiritual insight. 

A mystic is a person who engages in mysticism, aiming for spiritual union or knowledge. 

Once they've awakened to the Divine and their consciousness has been united with the Divine, the mystic sets out into the everyday world.

A mystic is a person who believes in or seeks direct spiritual knowledge and union with the divine or ultimate reality, often through prayer, meditation, and intuition, rather than through ordinary human senses or intellect. As an adjective, mystic describes something that is spiritually significant, mysterious, symbolic, or beyond normal human comprehension. 

A mystic is a person who has experienced, or believes in the possibility of, profound spiritual insights or direct contact with the divine, a state beyond rational thought. 

They are devoted to spiritual understanding rather than material gain, focusing on the inner life and the path of spirituality. 

Mystic: can refer to practices or symbols that are esoteric, otherworldly, or spiritually significant. 

It can also describe qualities that are mysterious, awesome, or have a spiritual power that is hard to explain. 

The word relates to or is characteristic of mysticism, the belief in the existence of realities beyond human comprehension. 

Yup, fits me pretty well! 

Rei Toei has Granddaughter

 Tilly Norwood. Non corporeal, DNA-less, purely unmanifested object. 

It's been 30 years since examining the implications of Tilly's arrival for the first time. I am not excited, surprised or otherwise ruffled by the arrival. I have a context for it. Her ancestor, or beta model, was Rei Toei. 

William Gibson's 1996 cyberpunk novel Idoru features the culmination of what we are experiencing today. Celebrity is a main theme and how humanity devours it, is repulsed by it and enjoys it's destruction. That's my opinion. Give it a read and let me know. 

The context I refer to is rooted in ancient Vedanta philosophy and modern Noetic research. 

"We project our disembodied consciousness into the consensual hallucination we call the world."

It is this consciousness that fascinates some. There is no widely accepted definition that I know of. 

Consciousness, at its simplest, is awareness of a state or object, either internal to oneself or in one's external environment. However, its nature has led to millennia of analyses, explanations, and debate among philosophers, scientists, and theologians.

Source: Wikipedia

Yet consciousness and the ability to project complex human thoughts, mannerisms, and affects is what makes this AI object of interest. Tilly, the actor, will be manipulated in its own digital realm to elicit responses in our consciousness. Tilly has, I imagine, a limited range of consciousness that is enabled by mechanical and digital 'senses' analogous, perhaps, to human sight, taste, touch, speech, etc. I'm fairly certain that the plan is to enhance interactivity with AI analyzed inputs and outputs to seamlessly integrate with film scenarios and flesh and blood, 'meat' actors. And human actors can see the ratios shifting rapidly!

Context. That's what I said. Otherwise the beat goes on with consciousness of the group coming to a consensus about reality in the same way for centuries more. Mostly without awareness or critical thinking. It probably will continue for most people that way anyway. 

The context I've found provides a way out, thus not to be enmeshed and suffer needlessly. Maybe suffer just enough.
But that's why we're here isn't it? Me writing you reading. Drawn by some fascination. 

New article November 2025

When Questions have Negative Intentions

Rhetorical questions, as a cross-breed of questions and statements, represent an effective tool in putting forward the Speaker's ideas, as well as influencing the ideas and opinions of other people. Because of their communicative effectiveness and multifunctionality, they are frequently used in different contexts and for different purposes, not at all benign. Other types of questions can be sarcastic, or designed to open up controversial emotional content, and can close off certain responses and contain misinformation/red herrings to guide people into subtle traps. 

For example, Open and Closed question strategies are used by salespeople to focus attention on the desired product. Being a traveler the intent I run into so often is when someone asks a question to allow them to dominate the conversation with their stories, experiences and opinions. Feeling used, manipulated and exploited are the aftermath of these questions.

Conversational chess players love this stuff!

Positive questions have a wide range as well including:

Intents based on conversational flow

In communication, the purpose of a question often relates to how it drives or affects a conversation: 

• Introductory: Used to begin a conversation and engage with someone. For example: "How's work going?".
• Mirroring: Acknowledges what was just said and reflects it back to the speaker. For example: "Good. How about you?".
• Follow-up: Probes for more detail or information on a previous topic. For example: "What are you working on right now?".
• Switching: Intentionally changes the direction or topic of the conversation. For example: "Did you watch the game last night?". 

Intents based on information gathering

Questions can be designed with a specific goal in mind for the information they gather: 

• Clarifying: Used to confirm or better understand information that has already been shared. For example: "Are we implying that...?".
• Seeking information: The most common intent, used to gather facts and data. For example: "What is the status?" or "Who is involved?".
• Seeking understanding: Deeper than simple information gathering, these questions aim to grasp the meaning behind data. For example: "What does this mean for our long-term plan?".
• Stimulating creative thought: Also known as divergent questions, these encourage imagination or exploring cause-and-effect. They often have no single "correct" answer. For example: "What might have happened if...?". 
• Seeking judgment: Evaluative questions that ask for sophisticated levels of cognitive or emotional judgment. For example: "What are the similarities and differences between...?".

As I look through the 'positive' list I see that they can easily become negative. Also, when the asker takes the answer given as a condemnation, judgement and/or criticism of the hidden idea behind asking we quickly become aware something was off in the first place. In cases like this I am quick to point out the 'slight of hand' involved which usually ruins the game for the asker and pisses them off, having got found out. 

     "The only winning move is 

       not to play."

Becoming aware of how we use, or abuse, questions is an informative way to detect our orientation to others in conversations. Questions from positive intentions encourage consensus reality and trust, negative intentions promote betrayal and lack of trust.

 

Mr. Fix it No More

In all of my homes over the past 50 years I've had a workshop. When my first wife and I bought the first one in Rochester, NY, I had it in the basement. Small, simple and it allowed me to DIY the place. I graduated to the entire third car garage with my second wife. By the third marriage I had the better part of a barn to work in.

But focus here, this isn't about the marriages. If you must know they were 12 years, 12 years and 16 years. Not too shabby according to todays statistics, in my opinion.

I generally had two houses to fix up, repair and do maintenance on; my own and my mothers. At one point I had three when I included my oldest childs' place. Plenty to do and it seemed every new job required a new tool. That's how some of us operate. If you watch Makers Channel on streaming services you'll see it's not only a guy thing.

Finally, to the point. I'm setting up the folding clothes dryer just now and it struck me that I haven't fixed or repaired anything in 8 years! When I left the USA with a small carry on bag in 2017 all my belongings went somewhere, I never knew where, and I experienced a tremendous sense of relief. I still feel relieved.

I no longer carry the burden of figuring out what's wrong, looking up the best way to fix problems and working hard to manifest the right solution. 

I do change the oil on my motorcycle ;

 

Thai Love Story

 As I'm preparing to travel to Thailand 7 October I'm listening to language recordings and checking out upcoming festivals. Thais have alot of them! 

A favourite of mine is Loy Kratong (you can look it up) which has this love story associated with it and a unique dessert ‘Kanom Krok’ (ขนมครก)! These are half spherical coconut pancakes made with rice flour, coconut milk, sugar and various toppings. The outer part is crispy and the filling sweet, creamy and usually piping hot. What I had completely forgotten about this dessert though, is the tragic love story behind it.

Freshly made Kanom Krokto !

Not Romeo and Juliet, but Gati and Pang

Here is how the tale of Gati and Pang went. Similar to Romeo and Juliet, these two are star crossed lovers – Gati being a country man with a humble background and Pang, the only daughter to the village headman. Note that Gati in Thai means coconut milk and Pang means flour (you can see where this is going). Under the full moon during Loy Krathong festival one day, the moon witnessed their promise to love and cherish each other no matter what comes their way. Unfortunately for Gati, his biggest obstacle to living a happy married life with Pang is her disapproving father.

Gati worked hard, saved up and never gave up trying to ask Pang’s father for his daughter’s hand in marriage. Men were sent to stop him, violently attacking him, but he persevered in hopes that one day his dream will come true. However his heart was crushed when he heard that Pang had been arranged to marry a distinguished gentleman from Bangkok.

Knowing Gati would come and try to prevent this marriage, Pang’s father sent his men out to dig traps to stop him. Luckily Pang overheard these nefarious plans and set off to warn her beloved of the dangers waiting for him that night. Through the darkness, the two spotted each other from afar and excitedly ran towards each other. Thud! Pang’s body hit the bottom of the pit her dad had planned for Gati. With no hesitation at all, Gati jumped in after to save her. Unbeknownst to the men hiding near the traps, they started to bury the pit thinking they had caught Gati.

When morning came, these men dug up the trap to show Pang’s father of their success. To their disbelief, in front of them were the lifeless bodies of Gati and Pang hugging and protecting each other.

From then on, every year locals would make a sweet dessert made of rice flour and coconut milk to commemorate Gati and Pang’s unwavering love. The desserts were made in small half spherical moulds and when cooked, the two halves were put together to make a whole (so Gati and Pang can always be together!). They called this “snacks for people who love each other”, which in Thai the word ‘Krok’ (ครก) is an acronym for.

Move Gracefully Among Enmeshment Attachment Detachment Non-Attachment

Love is a tough thing to write about. Romantic love, in my experience, is tough, period!

It seems that most of us conflate romantic love with Enmeshment and Attachment for a variety of reasons; upbringing, social media, entertainment, peers, etc. We tend to swim in a Sea of clinging behavior.

People who practice Detachment or Non-Attachment are viewed as cold or unloving in general. It takes a certain perspective to appreciate the finer points.

I am not a scholar, or a counselor, or, God forbid, a zealot. It is the practical that interests me. Also, I tend towards spiritual language and not psychological language. Check out these two takes on what seems to be similar human tendencies:

1. Psychological/biological - Addiction refers to the lack of control and inability to resist urges and cravings to use alcohol or drugs or people despite adverse consequences. Dependence on a substance refers to the biological effects that occur when a substance or relationship is used for weeks, months, or years.
2. In Hinduism, attachment (pratiksha) leads to suffering, while non-attachment (vairagya) leads to inner peace and spiritual freedom. Attachment involves a strong emotional dependence on external people or material things, hindering true happiness and creating fear and anxiety. Non-attachment, a key concept in many Yoga and Vedanta texts, encourages performing one's duties without clinging to the results of actions, fostering inner balance and a connection with one's eternal, unattached spiritual nature.

There came a time when both the substance and emotional dependence became painful enough to move in the opposite direction, namely detachment, then non-attachment. It was a spiritual quest and not behaviour modification that brought about a lasting change. 

Looking inward, consistently over a long period of time, resulted in clarity and the discernment necessary to move gracefully to a new freedom.

* Definitions from Google Search

Dependence - one more time

 I'm really not sure if I climbed the Hill again or descended into Hell again. 7 days of agony felt more like the latter and the view from the other side feels like the former.

For those of you who have known me long enough, I have quit coffee many times, tea a few times and both not that often. My first slog was around 1980 and was not pleasant. I had been drinking somewhere between 10 and 14 cups of coffee a day to keep up with life as I created it:

• figuring out how to be a new Dad
• completing an M.B.A. program
• full-time hospital administrator
• owning and co-running two dance wear stores

Anyway, I went cold turkey and was on the floor writhing in agony in short order. I'm not sure how long that lasted, or if I even really detoxed, but I go through similar cycles every so often. A few months ago the inconveniences of caffeine dependence became clear and unmanageable. My legs were cramping, fingers shaking the peas off my spoon, bloating, mental fuzz, irritability and an inability to really get into my meditation practice. It was the last of these that led to the decision.

To me that seems bizarre. I can deal now with body inconveniences, minor pain and brain fog but mess with my deeper meditative states and that ends it! Well maybe not so bizarre as that is the core of my life now that I've entered this sannyasin or fourth stage of life*.  "Deeper meditative states" is a real tricky area. For me and discussion in general. There is no doubt that they can be directly expereinced but talking about them is tricky for many reasons. 

• Ego inflation after the experience; the 'I' did something trap
• Others will think you are nuts
• Desire to re-live the experience
• Creating anger, jealousy or resentment in others

It can go on and on. However, this is me talking to a few friends who hopefully know how human and flawed I am.

I am happy to report that 12 days later all the body symptoms have been relieved and I am much calmer when meditating, that is, can go deeper in silence. Sure I miss the drug and I'm sure I will rationalize its' use again. Maybe sooner, maybe later. For now I am very pleased.+

The commeraderie of Chai stall or Coffee Cafe is missed without a doubt. 

*   In Hindu philosophy, life is traditionally divided into four stages, known as Ashramas: Brahmacharya (student), Grihastha (householder), Vanaprastha (retired), and Sannyasa (renunciate). These stages represent a progressive path of learning, responsibility, and spiritual development. 

+ Extinguishing event-A learned behavior gradually disappears when it's no longer reinforced

Coffee prices in India have risen 45% 2024 to 2025

October 1, 2025 I'm having a cuppa every third day    and plan outward focused activities like socializing, writing, etc.

Coffee prices in Thailand haverisen 20% 2023 to 2025

November 22, 2025 I'm having one cup of coffee a week. They growamazing beans here and soso many coffee shops.

3 February, 2026 Returned to the usa with a sack filled with coffee paraphernalia. Happily drinking coffee again and this lends itself to more writing here.