Attachment

There may not exist an area of human thought/feeling that better highlights the disparity between the spiritual and psychological as attachment. At the core seems to be the perception of reality as being permanent or impermanent.

Let's start with the 'western' view. As the following graphic illustrates there are value judgements for each axis of style. 

Individuals with a secure attachment style, the double positive in this scheme, tend to have stable and healthy relationships. "Stable" can mean steady, firm, or not likely to change (e.g., a stable relationship). And so we see this is not a statement based on permanence but probability, as in not likely to change. 

In Buddhism, attachment is considered a primary cause of suffering because it is a form of clinging to impermanent things like people, objects, or ideas. This clinging creates a cycle of desire, disappointment, and distress when circumstances change, which is inevitable. Within this context relationships exist with an awareness of impermanence. Everything is impermanent in this life. No blaming or value judgements.

There is a continuum of sorts here in my view. It is helpful when enmeshed in relationships to see the psychological aspect and degree of suffering one is experiencing. As one moves from enmeshment to attachment to detachment to un-attachment to non-attachment the realization comes. It can lead to the spiritual insight of impermanence and detachment with Love.

It's the journey of my life. And it is worth the effort having worked with therapists through attachment styles and spiritual guides to somewhere approaching detachment with Love or non-attachement. Not everyone has come along for the ride. 

If you follow either set be prepared. Some people are invested in relationships just the way they have always been, pain or no pain. 

Move Gracefully Among Enmeshment Attachment Detachment Non-Attachment

Love is a tough thing to write about. Romantic love, in my experience, is tough, period!

It seems that most of us conflate romantic love with Enmeshment and Attachment for a variety of reasons; upbringing, social media, entertainment, peers, etc. We tend to swim in a Sea of clinging behavior.

People who practice Detachment or Non-Attachment are viewed as cold or unloving in general. It takes a certain perspective to appreciate the finer points.

I am not a scholar, or a counselor, or, God forbid, a zealot. It is the practical that interests me. Also, I tend towards spiritual language and not psychological language. Check out these two takes on what seems to be similar human tendencies:

1. Psychological/biological - Addiction refers to the lack of control and inability to resist urges and cravings to use alcohol or drugs or people despite adverse consequences. Dependence on a substance refers to the biological effects that occur when a substance or relationship is used for weeks, months, or years.
2. In Hinduism, attachment (pratiksha) leads to suffering, while non-attachment (vairagya) leads to inner peace and spiritual freedom. Attachment involves a strong emotional dependence on external people or material things, hindering true happiness and creating fear and anxiety. Non-attachment, a key concept in many Yoga and Vedanta texts, encourages performing one's duties without clinging to the results of actions, fostering inner balance and a connection with one's eternal, unattached spiritual nature.

There came a time when both the substance and emotional dependence became painful enough to move in the opposite direction, namely detachment, then non-attachment. It was a spiritual quest and not behaviour modification that brought about a lasting change. 

Looking inward, consistently over a long period of time, resulted in clarity and the discernment necessary to move gracefully to a new freedom.

* Definitions from Google Search